Humour

[zeeprogrammer]

Omni mag. I remember when that came out. I'd get every issue.
I haven't seen it for a long while.

What possessed you to pull out a 1991 issue?

 

[Troutsqueezer]

Hey Zee, have you ever used "Stumble"? It's a website/toolbar where you plug in your interests and hit the Stumble button and it takes you to some pretty weird websites at random. It's one of my favorite things to do on lunch hour.

Like you, I was hooked on Omni and this one brought back memories.

-Trout

 

[ksouers]

That's a good one, Trout. One of my favorites from Omni. Funny, when I have to deal some dunderhead that's the story that pops into my head.

I also liked the short stories by Orson Scott Card and Dean Ing.

 

[Cedge]

Dear god!!.... I haven't seen Omni since about 1978. Are they still in publication? Spent many a midnight shift reading Omni while a very large radar distributed its magic waves out into the ether. Any "Callahan's Crosstime Saloon" fans among this rabble?

Steve

 

[ksouers]

Spider!!!!

You betcha!

 

[Deanofid]

If ladies ruled the world...

 

[mklotz]

ROFLMAO!

 

[kcmillin]

If ladies ruled the world...

But, they do rule the world. Were just to proud to admit it, but everything that has ever been done is for a woman. Thats why we exist. There would not be automobiles if we did not want to get away, but that plan backfired.

Kel

 

[BAH101]

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans. I flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women.. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "Are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian :big:

 

[Antti]

what do you get if you put four blonds in a row?
- an intake manifold ;D

Teacher asked the class that if you got something as lot as you wanted what would you take?
-I would take gold and buy BMWs!, Mike said
-I would take platium because it's more expensive than gold and buy Mercs!, Lisa said
teacher smiled and said: Carl what would you take?
-I WOULD TAKE SILICONE!
-Why would you take silicone?, teacher asked
-Carl said:"My mom has got two bags of silicone and look at those beamers and mercs at our yard!"

some jokes from finnish mercedes-benz forum ;D

 

[Noitoen]

Teacher asks in class......

What do we get from sheep?
-"wool"
What do we get from chickens?
-"eggs"
And what do we get from cows?
-"homework"

 

[putputman]

Hats off to the Aussies :bow: :bow: :bow:

View attachment answering_machine.wmv

 

[rake60]

Hats off to the Aussies :bow: :bow: :bow:

:bow: :bow: :bow: :bow: :bow:

It could not be spoken more clearly than that putputman.

Rick

 

[mklotz]

A math and engineering convention was being held. On the train to the convention, there were both math majors and engineering majors. Each of the math majors had his/her own train ticket. But the Engineers had only ONE ticket for all of them. The math majors started laughing and snickering. The engineers ignored the laughter.

Then, one of the engineers said, "Here comes the conductor". All of the engineers piled into the bathroom. The math majors were puzzled. The conductor came aboard and collected tickets from all the math majors. He went to the bathroom, knocked on the door, and said, "Tickets Please". An engineer stuck their only ticket under the door. The conductor took the ticket and left. A few minutes later, the engineers emerged from the bathroom. The math majors felt really stupid.

On the way back from the convention, the group of math majors had ONE ticket for their group. They started snickering at the engineers, who had NO tickets amongst them.

When the engineer lookout shouted, "Conductor coming!", all the engineers again piled into a bathroom. All of the math majors went into another bathroom. Then, before the conductor came on board, one of the engineers left the bathroom, knocked on the other bathroom, and said, "Ticket please."

 

[Lew_Merrick_PE]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To show the possum it could be done.

 

[Blogwitch]

Do Cats Stutter?


Teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

"Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little girl.

'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Ffffff!," but before she could say 'F**k O**!,' the Rottweiler ate her!

:

 

[Maryak]

Hi Guys,

This is a translation from one of Galina's Newspapers, (as best we can).

Some common phrases of today that could have seen you in the funny farm not that long ago.

I will be in the forest but call my cell.

I can't speak any longer my hand is frozen.

Sorry, I accidentally deleted "War and Peace."

I sent you a letter 10 mins ago - have you got it yet?

Sorry, I left my phone at home.

I will buy more memory tomorrow.

Let's present them a home theatre.

If you don't agree with my math use your cell to verify.

Best Regards
Bob

 

[Artie]

Taking the piss?

Recently I was reversing out of my garage, keeping an eye out for my puppy who usually comes running down the stairs when teh car starts cause she absolutely LOVES a drive... see pic... happy puppy......

So watching inside the garage and not outside... i reversed into my daugters boyfriends old Mitsubisshi with my tow bar..... no damage but i felt bad and he laughed at my discomfort... basxxxxd......

I came home last night to find his brand new Ford ute parked in the driveway..... what do you think this means?

Cheeky lil baxxxxd.........

 

[Deanofid]

Funny one, Artie!

Just a boyfriend? They usually don't get to be that much of a smarty until they're firmly married into the family.

He's got a sense of humor. Or, he's worried.

 

[tel]

At least it wasn't spotlights and big neon arrows!