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zeeprogrammer
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Such teasers. ;D
rake60
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Don't feed me straight lines!
TOO LATE....
A cold war ear USA President makes a visit to former enemy country.
USA President:
It time we put all of this behind us. We want to break the ice and become
trading partners. What do you need?
Country X President:
Actually, what we need are condoms.
USA President:
No problem! We have the worlds best condom manufactures.
Country X President:
Great! They need to be 12 inches long and 3 inches wide.
USA President:
No problem, you will have the first shipment next week.
After arriving home in the USA the USA President call the Trojan company.
He asks: "Can make condoms 12 inches long and 3 inches wide?"
After a short pause, the reply is, "I suppose we can, why?"
USA President:
Never mind why. Make me 20,000 of them.
I want each one clearly marked;
Made In The USA
Size - Medium
TOO LATE....
A cold war ear USA President makes a visit to former enemy country.
USA President:
It time we put all of this behind us. We want to break the ice and become
trading partners. What do you need?
Country X President:
Actually, what we need are condoms.
USA President:
No problem! We have the worlds best condom manufactures.
Country X President:
Great! They need to be 12 inches long and 3 inches wide.
USA President:
No problem, you will have the first shipment next week.
After arriving home in the USA the USA President call the Trojan company.
He asks: "Can make condoms 12 inches long and 3 inches wide?"
After a short pause, the reply is, "I suppose we can, why?"
USA President:
Never mind why. Make me 20,000 of them.
I want each one clearly marked;
Made In The USA
Size - Medium
I had to go to the pharmacy last week, and when I got there, I asked the young lady behind the counter if they had some Viagra, but only in half strength.
"Why only half strength" she asked
I replied, "when you get to my age, you will try anything to stop yourself peeing on your slippers when you go to the toilet".
"Why only half strength" she asked
I replied, "when you get to my age, you will try anything to stop yourself peeing on your slippers when you go to the toilet".
DickDastardly40
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Bogstandard said:
Do you also find it helps you to stop rolling out of bed?
zeeprogrammer
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Rof} Rof} Rof}
zeeprogrammer
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Stop! Stop!
This is hitting too close to home.
:big:
On another note...
I'm a 'C' programmer (the greatest programming language of all time)...
Me and my buddies at work do a fast 3 lap walk around the parking lots during lunch...
We're known as the 'walking pointers'...
Right...you gotta know 'C' to appreciate that. ;D
And I suspect some of you do.
This is hitting too close to home.
:big:
On another note...
I'm a 'C' programmer (the greatest programming language of all time)...
Me and my buddies at work do a fast 3 lap walk around the parking lots during lunch...
We're known as the 'walking pointers'...
Right...you gotta know 'C' to appreciate that. ;D
And I suspect some of you do.
Zee, you should appreciate this one...
A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about whose profession was the oldest.
In the course of their arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat."
The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an architect."
The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about whose profession was the oldest.
In the course of their arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat."
The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an architect."
The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
Tin Falcon
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Some bunny,s have bright shinny noses
I can tell you this now 'cus your a friend
the reason there noses are shinny tis
the powder puffs on the wrong end!!!
Tin
I can tell you this now 'cus your a friend
the reason there noses are shinny tis
the powder puffs on the wrong end!!!
Tin
J
johnthomp
Guest
on the viagra note i cought my 49yr old mate takeing viagra with vallium when i asked why he replied with well if i cant get a f**k i dont give a f**k
and the other night the local pharmacy got raided and all they took was 25 cases of viagra apparently the police are looking for 3 hardened criminals
and two kids abbout 8 maybee 9 yrs old in the papershop this morning one said to the other i found a condom behind my brothers radiator last night the other replied with oh aye whats a radiator
and the other night the local pharmacy got raided and all they took was 25 cases of viagra apparently the police are looking for 3 hardened criminals
and two kids abbout 8 maybee 9 yrs old in the papershop this morning one said to the other i found a condom behind my brothers radiator last night the other replied with oh aye whats a radiator
J
johnthomp
Guest
husband comes home after a long days work and finds his wife ironing her bra
he shouts what the hell are you doing that for youve got nothing to put in it
she replied with pi55 off i iron your underpants for you dont i !!!!!!
he shouts what the hell are you doing that for youve got nothing to put in it
she replied with pi55 off i iron your underpants for you dont i !!!!!!
J
johnthomp
Guest
the credit crunch
a middle aged couple were doing the weekly food shopping in the market with a budget of £50 half way round he stopped in the booze aisle and puts a crate of 24 tins of export lager in the trolley she said oi were on a budget he replied with its only £10 its half price she said we cant afford it put it back so he did seing her reasoning
5 aisles further on and she puts a jar of skin cream in the trolley and he sees the price oi he screamed were supposed to be on a budget you said and your buying skin cream at £25 a jar whats your game
she replied with its my skin cream it keeps me looking young and highlights my natural beauty
he replies with so does a crate of lager i couldnt have and that was only £10 f***ing put it back !!!!!
a middle aged couple were doing the weekly food shopping in the market with a budget of £50 half way round he stopped in the booze aisle and puts a crate of 24 tins of export lager in the trolley she said oi were on a budget he replied with its only £10 its half price she said we cant afford it put it back so he did seing her reasoning
5 aisles further on and she puts a jar of skin cream in the trolley and he sees the price oi he screamed were supposed to be on a budget you said and your buying skin cream at £25 a jar whats your game
she replied with its my skin cream it keeps me looking young and highlights my natural beauty
he replies with so does a crate of lager i couldnt have and that was only £10 f***ing put it back !!!!!
zeeprogrammer
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Just a few from my usual source...my Dad...who got them somewhere...
Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.
So I said 'Implants?'
She hit me.
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America?
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.
So I said 'Implants?'
She hit me.
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America?
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
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From Omni mag, 1991:
"They're made out of meat."
"Meat?"
"Meat. They're made out of meat."
"Meat?"
"There's no doubt about it. We picked up several from different parts of the planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, and probed them all the way through. They're completely meat."
"That's impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to the stars?"
"They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don't come from them. The signals come from machines."
"So who made the machines? That's who we want to contact."
"They made the machines. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Meat made the machines."
"That's ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You're asking me to believe in sentient meat."
"I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. These creatures are the only sentient race in that sector and they're made out of meat."
"Maybe they're like the orfolei. You know, a carbon-based intelligence that goes through a meat stage."
"Nope. They're born meat and they die meat. We studied them for several of their life spans, which didn't take long. Do you have any idea what's the life span of meat?"
"Spare me. Okay, maybe they're only part meat. You know, like the weddilei. A meat head with an electron plasma brain inside."
"Nope. We thought of that, since they do have meat heads, like the weddilei. But I told you, we probed them. They're meat all the way through."
"No brain?"
"Oh, there's a brain all right. It's just that the brain is made out of meat! That's what I've been trying to tell you."
"So ... what does the thinking?"
"You're not understanding, are you? You're refusing to deal with what I'm telling you. The brain does the thinking. The meat."
"Thinking meat! You're asking me to believe in thinking meat!"
"Yes, thinking meat! Conscious meat! Loving meat. Dreaming meat. The meat is the whole deal! Are you beginning to get the picture or do I have to start all over?"
"Omigod. You're serious then. They're made out of meat."
"Thank you. Finally. Yes. They are indeed made out of meat. And they've been trying to get in touch with us for almost a hundred of their years."
"Omigod. So what does this meat have in mind?"
"First it wants to talk to us. Then I imagine it wants to explore the Universe, contact other sentiences, swap ideas and information. The usual."
"We're supposed to talk to meat."
"That's the idea. That's the message they're sending out by radio. 'Hello. Anyone out there. Anybody home.' That sort of thing."
"They actually do talk, then. They use words, ideas, concepts?"
"Oh, yes. Except they do it with meat."
"I thought you just told me they used radio."
"They do, but what do you think is on the radio? Meat sounds. You know how when you slap or flap meat, it makes a noise? They talk by flapping their meat at each other. They can even sing by squirting air through their meat."
"Omigod. Singing meat. This is altogether too much. So what do you advise?"
"Officially or unofficially?"
"Both."
"Officially, we are required to contact, welcome and log in any and all sentient races or multibeings in this quadrant of the Universe, without prejudice, fear or favor. Unofficially, I advise that we erase the records and forget the whole thing."
"I was hoping you would say that."
"It seems harsh, but there is a limit. Do we really want to make contact with meat?"
"I agree one hundred percent. What's there to say? 'Hello, meat. How's it going?' But will this work? How many planets are we dealing with here?"
"Just one. They can travel to other planets in special meat containers, but they can't live on them. And being meat, they can only travel through C space. Which limits them to the speed of light and makes the possibility of their ever making contact pretty slim. Infinitesimal, in fact."
"So we just pretend there's no one home in the Universe."
"That's it."
"Cruel. But you said it yourself, who wants to meet meat? And the ones who have been aboard our vessels, the ones you probed? You're sure they won't remember?"
"They'll be considered crackpots if they do. We went into their heads and smoothed out their meat so that we're just a dream to them."
"A dream to meat! How strangely appropriate, that we should be meat's dream."
"And we marked the entire sector unoccupied."
"Good. Agreed, officially and unofficially. Case closed. Any others? Anyone interesting on that side of the galaxy?"
"Yes, a rather shy but sweet hydrogen core cluster intelligence in a class nine star in G445 zone. Was in contact two galactic rotations ago, wants to be friendly again."
"They always come around."
"And why not? Imagine how unbearably, how unutterably cold the Universe would be if one were all alone ..."
"They're made out of meat."
"Meat?"
"Meat. They're made out of meat."
"Meat?"
"There's no doubt about it. We picked up several from different parts of the planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, and probed them all the way through. They're completely meat."
"That's impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to the stars?"
"They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don't come from them. The signals come from machines."
"So who made the machines? That's who we want to contact."
"They made the machines. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Meat made the machines."
"That's ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You're asking me to believe in sentient meat."
"I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. These creatures are the only sentient race in that sector and they're made out of meat."
"Maybe they're like the orfolei. You know, a carbon-based intelligence that goes through a meat stage."
"Nope. They're born meat and they die meat. We studied them for several of their life spans, which didn't take long. Do you have any idea what's the life span of meat?"
"Spare me. Okay, maybe they're only part meat. You know, like the weddilei. A meat head with an electron plasma brain inside."
"Nope. We thought of that, since they do have meat heads, like the weddilei. But I told you, we probed them. They're meat all the way through."
"No brain?"
"Oh, there's a brain all right. It's just that the brain is made out of meat! That's what I've been trying to tell you."
"So ... what does the thinking?"
"You're not understanding, are you? You're refusing to deal with what I'm telling you. The brain does the thinking. The meat."
"Thinking meat! You're asking me to believe in thinking meat!"
"Yes, thinking meat! Conscious meat! Loving meat. Dreaming meat. The meat is the whole deal! Are you beginning to get the picture or do I have to start all over?"
"Omigod. You're serious then. They're made out of meat."
"Thank you. Finally. Yes. They are indeed made out of meat. And they've been trying to get in touch with us for almost a hundred of their years."
"Omigod. So what does this meat have in mind?"
"First it wants to talk to us. Then I imagine it wants to explore the Universe, contact other sentiences, swap ideas and information. The usual."
"We're supposed to talk to meat."
"That's the idea. That's the message they're sending out by radio. 'Hello. Anyone out there. Anybody home.' That sort of thing."
"They actually do talk, then. They use words, ideas, concepts?"
"Oh, yes. Except they do it with meat."
"I thought you just told me they used radio."
"They do, but what do you think is on the radio? Meat sounds. You know how when you slap or flap meat, it makes a noise? They talk by flapping their meat at each other. They can even sing by squirting air through their meat."
"Omigod. Singing meat. This is altogether too much. So what do you advise?"
"Officially or unofficially?"
"Both."
"Officially, we are required to contact, welcome and log in any and all sentient races or multibeings in this quadrant of the Universe, without prejudice, fear or favor. Unofficially, I advise that we erase the records and forget the whole thing."
"I was hoping you would say that."
"It seems harsh, but there is a limit. Do we really want to make contact with meat?"
"I agree one hundred percent. What's there to say? 'Hello, meat. How's it going?' But will this work? How many planets are we dealing with here?"
"Just one. They can travel to other planets in special meat containers, but they can't live on them. And being meat, they can only travel through C space. Which limits them to the speed of light and makes the possibility of their ever making contact pretty slim. Infinitesimal, in fact."
"So we just pretend there's no one home in the Universe."
"That's it."
"Cruel. But you said it yourself, who wants to meet meat? And the ones who have been aboard our vessels, the ones you probed? You're sure they won't remember?"
"They'll be considered crackpots if they do. We went into their heads and smoothed out their meat so that we're just a dream to them."
"A dream to meat! How strangely appropriate, that we should be meat's dream."
"And we marked the entire sector unoccupied."
"Good. Agreed, officially and unofficially. Case closed. Any others? Anyone interesting on that side of the galaxy?"
"Yes, a rather shy but sweet hydrogen core cluster intelligence in a class nine star in G445 zone. Was in contact two galactic rotations ago, wants to be friendly again."
"They always come around."
"And why not? Imagine how unbearably, how unutterably cold the Universe would be if one were all alone ..."
