Humour

[Stan]

I didn't think this was suitable for the thread on disabilities.
A preacher checking into a motel asked the clerk if the porn channels were disabled.
Clerk replied, "No, just regular porn, are you some kind of sicko?"

 

[rake60]

OK a TRUE STORY!

Mom was getting her hair done in a beauty salon at the shopping mall.
Dad had taken my 10 year old nephew along to keep him company while
they waited. They were sitting watching the passing crowd and Dad said:
"Gee Dirk, look at all the pretty girls walking by."
In the wisdom of a 10 year old, Dirk replied:
"Oh no Papa, I don't want to meet a girlfriend who's shopping in a mall on
a weekday. I want to find a girlfriend who has a JOB!"

Rick

 

[mklotz]

THE CONVENT OF ST. ELIAS PRILEP, Macedonia (AP)

Outside a small Macedonian village close to the border between Greece
and the strife-torn former Yugoslavia, a lone Orthodox nun keeps quiet
watch over a silent convent. She is the last caretaker of a site of
significant historical developments spanning more than 2,000 years.

When Sister Maria Cyrilla of the Order of the Perpetual Vigil dies, the
convent of St. Elias will be closed by the Eastern Orthodox Patriarch of
Macedonia. However, that isn't likely to happen soon, as Sister Maria,
53, enjoys excellent health. By her own estimate, she walks 10 miles
daily about the grounds of the convent, land which once served as a base
for the army of Attila the Hun.

In more ancient times, a Greek temple to Eros, the god of love, occupied
the hilltop site. Historians say that Attila took over the old temple in
439 A.D. and used it as a base for his marauding army. The Huns are
believed to have first collected and then destroyed a large collection
of Greek legal writs at the site. It is believed that Attila wanted to
study the Greek legal system and had the writs and other documents
brought to the temple. Scholars differ on why he had the valuable
documents destroyed - either because he was barely literate and couldn't
read or because they provided evidence of democratic government that did
not square with his own notion of rule by an all-powerful tyrant.

When the Greek Church took over the site in the 15th Century and the
convent was built, church leaders ordered the pagan statue of Eros
destroyed, so another ancient Greek treasure was forever lost. Today,
there is only the lone sister, watching over the old Hun base, amidst
the strife of war-torn former Yugoslavia, and when she is no longer, the
story will be over. And that's how it ends: "No Huns, no writs, no Eros,
and nun left on base."

 

[crankshafter]

One guy was at the seaside collecting firewood. Then suddenly the landowner arrived, telling the guy that everything the sea bring to his shore was his property. Ok said the guy: But if my brother out there in his boat, fishing, felt overboard and lost is life and the sea take him to the shore at your property, is it still my brother, or is it yours. : : :big:
CS

 

[ChooChooMike]

And that's how it ends: "No Huns, no writs, no Eros,
and nun left on base."

Good one !!! :big: groan

 

[mklotz]

Good one !!! :big: groan

I gotta million of 'em...

Jim Finn, the noted biologist, was stumped. He had spent months
studying the little green frogs in the Keefo swamp. Despite all
efforts at predator control, population was declining at an
alarming rate.

Finn finally went to the chemistry department at his college to see
if anyone there might be able to help. Tom looked into the
problem and came up with a solution. The little frogs had
succumbed to a chemical change in the swamp's water and simply
couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce. Tom brewed up a
new adhesive, made from a dash of this, a zoss of that and, most
critically, one part sodium. "You mean...?" said Jim.

"Yes," said Tom. "They need a mono-sodium glue to mate!"

 

[baldrocker]

Everbody join the
"Ban Marv" movement. :big:

 

[mklotz]

Everbody join the
"Ban Marv" movement. :big:

Just for that...

One day, an elderly woman was walking along the street, coming home from
the supermarket. Her bag of groceries was especially heavy that day, and
as she passed Nathan Hale's Used Cars, she got an idea that she could
drive herself to the store and save a lot of shoe leather, time and aching
muscles. She walks into the car dealership and, as it just so happens, gets the owner himself. He asks her what kind of car she wants and she replies,
"Well, sonny, I can't remember the name exactly, but it has something to
do with hate or anger."

The owner replies, "Well, let's see... Oh yes, you want a Plymouth Fury!
We have a couple on the lot. What color do you prefer?"

The lady has some trouble explaining the exact color to him, so she
reaches into her shopping bag, takes out an ear of corn, strips down the
shucks and says, "I want this color sonny."

To which Nathan replies, "Ma'am I'm sorry, but we don't have any in this
color. Could I show you a nice blue one?"

"No son, I want this color."

"But ma'am, they didn't make that color! Maybe a cherry red one would
suit you?" says the owner, obviously worried about losing a sale.

By this time, the old lady gets mad, and starts throwing things at the
owner, thereby chasing him out of the office and into the lot. One of
the salesmen, coming into the office from the back door, notices the
disruption and asks the secretary what the old woman was so upset about.

The secretary replies, "Apparently, Hale hath no Fury like the woman's corn!"

 

[dsquire]

Baldrocker

Everbody join the
"Ban Marv" movement. :big:

You see what you started now!!!


Marv
Very cute

Cheers

Don

 

[rake60]

What else do you have Marv?
"Man does not live of swarf alone."

Rick

 

[Maryak]

Another long winded tale.

A middle aged man went to the doctor complaining of severe pain in the back of his head, added to this he had developed a terrible stutter.

The local Doc sent him to a neurologist.

The neurologist performed a whole series of tests and took samples of just about everything. Said to the guy, “Go home and try to relax, my receptionist will make an appointment for 10 days hence and we should be able to go forward from there.”

After a nervous 10 day wait with no change in his condition, the guy arrives for his appointment.

The neurologist got straight to the point, “My colleagues and I have discussed your case and I am very pleased to say that we can cure your problems. The down side is that it requires castration. Go home now, have a think about it and let me know your decision."

After the shock had worn off and thinking about his condition logically, the guy decided he would have the surgery. He couldn’t go on the way he was. The pain was terrible and the stutter was making life at work almost impossible.

The surgery was completely successful, the severe pain in the back of his head disappeared and there was no sign of a stutter.

To go back to work the guy decided he would have a complete new outfit with shirt and suit all tailor made.

Off he went to the gentleman’s outfitters to be attended by a wizened old gentleman with a waistcoat and a tape measure draped around his neck. He explained his requirements to the old gentleman who looked him up and down and without using the tape measure started rattling off measurements and writing them in his notebook.

Things were going great guns until the old gentleman said “Underpants size 38.” “No,” said our intrepid surgery survivor, “I’ve always worn a size 36 and I have not put on any weight.”

“Oh dear,” said the wizened old tailor, “You don’t want to do that Sir, what happens is you develop these severe pains in the back of your head an you also end up with a terrible stutter……………………..” :

 

[artrans]

NOW THIS IS FUNNY

View attachment proof_the_irish_discovered_africia.wmv

 

[Phelonius]

I was wondering why my frisbe seemed to be getting larger,



then it hit me!

Phelonius

 

[gilessim]

An atheist was out for a walk in the woods one day, as he was strolling along ,he heard something behind him, turning round he saw a big old grizzly just about to jump on him, s**t! he thinks and starts to run but after a few yards he trips over a root and falls down, OH GOD! he shouts, at that moment everything goes silent as time itself seems to freeze and he hears a big booming voice that says, HOW DARE YOU CALL MY NAME, ALL YOUR LIFE YOU HAVE NOT BELIEVED IN ME YET NOW, WHEN YOUR LIFE IS IN DANGER, YOU ASK FOR MY HELP?

the guy replies, oh I'm sorry, I was wrong, I'll do anything, could you make me a christian?, OK, IT IS DONE, he hears, just one other thing, the guy continues, could you make the bear a christian too?.

at that moment, everything in the woods comes back to life again, so the guys stands up and turns round to see the bear, who is on its knees with its eyes closed and its big paws together saying; For what I am about to receive, may the lord make me truly thankful.

sorry

Giles

 

[rake60]

Road Rage is ALWAYS an issue.
Perhaps a Trunk Monkey is the answer!

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8avOiTUcD4Y[/ame]

 

[malcolmt]

:big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big:

That is just the best idea i have seen for a very long time.

I WANT ONE

Kind regards

Malcolm

 

[Cedge]

Hey Rick
Does it come in a "Toolbox Monkey" model?

Steve

 

[jack404]

sorry for the poor pic

this is a photostat of a photostat of a photostat but is in my workshop

i thought i was being serious everyone else thinks its a joke so i thought i'd share

i re did the main text as it was bad

cheers

jack

 

[rake60]

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time
employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.
I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa.
'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand,
with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand
dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that
wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt,
so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he
strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the
other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been
summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could
come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!!!!!!'

 

[malcolmt]

You utter genius

:big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big: :big:

I haven't laughed so much since my grandma caught her left ..... in the mangle

Malcolm