Humour in model engineering

[Bogstandard]

Supposedly a recession is on the way, these were sent to me today by a friend in Aussieland.

Bogs

 

[greenie]

Rolling Your Own
Rolling Your Own

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife."

He answers, "You see, it's like this: Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers. Because she said it is soooo much cheaper that way. So, I figure that if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!

 

[dsquire]

This is how its done

Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner. Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her mother what she wanted. 'Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.'

Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Carol's mother asked her if she thought she deserved to get a bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course, thought she did.

Carol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her behaviour over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why she deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Carol stomped up the steps to her room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1:


Dear God:
I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend, Carol

Carol knew this wasn't true. She had not been a very good girl this year, so she tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2:


Dear God:
This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, Carol

Carol knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 3:


Dear God:
I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, Carol

Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a bike. By now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her mother she wanted to go to church. Carol's mother thought her plan had worked because Carol looked very sad.

'Just be home in time for dinner,' her mother said.

Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She looked around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down the street, into her house, and up to her room. She shut the door and sat down and wrote her letter to God.

LETTER 4:


I GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed,

YOU KNOW WHO

-----------

Cheers

Don

 

[Dhow Nunda wallah]

Rake, your story reminded me of my own

"Sat down at his work bench, picked up his calculator, pounded a few keys and
held the calculator up to his ear."


Some years ago, my local yacht club decided to ban mobile phones in the bar (no prob with that, they can be annoying).
Pomposity, however, I find even more annoying.

After the ban, yours truly, sitting at the bar doing some trig calcs re navigation.
Pompous git at other end of the bar, glaring at me, so I held my flip-top scientific calculator to my ear.
PG calls duty officer to have words with me.
Duty officer returns to PG (whilst trying to keep a straight face).
PG, now a little more purple than usual, sends large malt whisky with his apology

 

[Maryak]

Workshop Digital Calculator

This instrument requires no batteries or external power source - Requirements are:

2 Digits, (preferably fingers), hence the name digital calculator.
Chalk, colour optional other than black.

Data storage is instantaneous, with all sub routines readily available.
Data retrieval can sometimes be a problem!

Data can be instantly wiped without the use of expensive software
For a wipe to US Government standard - use a wet rag.
To have some chance of data recovery - use a dry rag.

Warning - This instrument must not be operated under the influence of Alcohol as it has a tendency to provide incorrect information in this state.

Every workshop will benefit from the installation of the above - not just a tool - but converts easily to a games console, (O's and X's).

 

[steamer]

Maryak,

That was just beautiful...... ;D

 

[Florian]

Well, i have some very imortant screws for you guys:

http://home.arcor.de/hsbo/Verschiedenes/Schrauben DIN 0104 mini.jpg

Florian

 

[Maryak]

Think there is one very important screw missing, enough said.
Great stuff :bow:

 

[steamer]

...Well, i have some very imortant screws for you guys.."

I think I've used some of those!

 

[rake60]

This may not be "Model Engineering" but it has stuck in my mind for many years.

About 8 years ago out 2ed shift foreman was off for a week.
I was filling in for that job in his absence.

A very good friend/coworker was cutting bearing fits in a weld repaired gear case.
He finished his last cut and checked the size using inside spring calipers that had
to be mic'ed with outside mics.
The first time he checked it his face turned a little red and he checked it again.

When the second check confirmed the first, he threw the spring calipers across the
table, threw his hands up in the air and screamed:

"That ain't no

good Rick!"

It's very hard to be supportive when you're on your knees trying to catch
your breath because your laughing too hard.
It was a welded repair in the first place. Welding it again wouldn't hurt it.

He hit that size on the second attempt.
His celebration dance had me on the floor struggling for breath again!

Rick

 

[John S]

Years ago as lads just started work we used to meet outside the local chip shop at nights and talk the talk.
It got round to how accurate we had to work.
One lad who worked for a local engineering company said "We have to work to the nearest thou"
Next lad who was a Rolls Royce apprentice said " We have to work to the nearest tenth"

Local dipship who worked for the railway carriage and wagon works, read sledge hammer and gas axe, said
"That's nothing , we have to work spot on "

and then wondered why were were all rolling about holding our sides ;D

.

 

[Divided He ad]

Here's a little one for all you real steam kind of guys.....

Q: What do you do if your boiler explodes?

















A: Buy her some flowers. : ;D



Ralph.

 

[wareagle]

Here's a little one for all you real steam kind of guys.....

Q: What do you do if your boiler explodes?

A: Buy her some flowers. : ;D

Ralph.

Ralph, hope you don't mind me jumping on your wagon for a moment...


Q: And what is the most likely cause for your boiler to explode?



A: The purchase of another tool, more materials, casting or set of plans! Any of these items will very likely push the boiler into an explosive condition, so exercise extreme caution! ;D

 

[Maryak]

One for the Seniors,



A Seniors couple went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.

'Sounds good,' the wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.'


'Then, I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.

'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' the wife asked incredulously.

'YES!!' stated the waitress.

'I'll take the special then.' the wife said.

'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.

'Raw and in the shell,' the wife replied.

She took the two eggs home.

DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!

 

[CrewCab]

'Raw and in the shell,' the wife replied.

Cheers Bob, that made me laugh ;D

CC

 

[Maryak]

Crewcab,

Glad you enjoyed it :big:

Bob

 

[John S]

Here's a little one for all you real steam kind of guys.....

Q: What do you do if your boiler explodes?

A: Buy her some flowers. : ;D

Ralph.

Triffids are best

.

 

[Maryak]

6 munfs ago I cudn't spel Injuneer now I are 1. - 12" to the foot model

 

[Maryak]

BLACK TESTICLES


A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over
his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial
sponge bath.
Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to
wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry
about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the
covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
in the other.

Then, she takes a close look and says, There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask , smiles at her and says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
closely......

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k? ;D

 

[John S]

Teacher: "Good morning children, today is Thursday, so we're going to have a
general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday
and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday."

Wee Alistair thinks, "Yadancer. Ah'm pure dead brilliant at ma general
knowledge stuff. This is gonnae be a dawdle, come on ya radge, a lang
weekend fir me."

Teacher: "Right class, who can tell me who said. "Don't ask what your
country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?"

Wee Alistair shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air. Teacher looking
round picks Richard at the front. "Yes, Richard?"

Richard (in a very English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy-
inauguration speech 1960."

Teacher: "Very good Richard. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will
see you back in class on Tuesday."

The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Alistair is even more determined.
Teacher: " Who said. 'We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them
in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender?"

Wee Alistair's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting " I know. I know.
Me Miss, me Miss "

Teacher looking round and picks Timothy, sitting at the front: "Yes
Timothy."

Timothy (In a very, very posh, English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is
Winston Churchill, 1940 Battle of Britain speech."

Teacher: "Very good Timothy , you may stay off Friday and Monday and come
back to class on Tuesday."

The following Thursday comes around and Wee Alistair is hyper, he's been
studying encyclopaedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes.
He's coiled in his wee chair, slavers dripping in anticipation.

Teacher: "Who said One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind?"

Wee Alistair's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat,
jumping up and down screaming "Me miss. Me miss. I know, I know. Me Miss, me
miss, meeeeee"

Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front "Yes
Rupert."

Rupert (In a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plumy English accent): "Yes
miss, that was Neil Armstrong 1969, The first moon landing."

Teacher: "Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back
into class on Tuesday."

Wee Alistair loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his chair at
the wall. He throws his hat on the floor & jumps up and down on it shouting
"Where the f**k did all these English b*st*rds come from?"

Teacher looking round the class, angrily: "Who said that?"

Wee Alistair, grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, "Bonnie Prince
Charlie, Culloden, 1746. See yez on Tuesday."