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Fair Wage?
A man owned a small farm in Missouri. The Missouri
State Wage & Hour Department claimed he was not
paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent
out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you
pay them," demanded the agent.
" Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand
who 's been with me for three years. I pay him $200
a week plus free room and board."
"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay
her $150 per week plus free room and board."
"Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours
every day and does about 90% of all the work around
here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own
room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon
every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife
occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to - the half-wit," says
the agent.
"That would be me," replied the farmer.
A man owned a small farm in Missouri. The Missouri
State Wage & Hour Department claimed he was not
paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent
out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you
pay them," demanded the agent.
" Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand
who 's been with me for three years. I pay him $200
a week plus free room and board."
"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay
her $150 per week plus free room and board."
"Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours
every day and does about 90% of all the work around
here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own
room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon
every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife
occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to - the half-wit," says
the agent.
"That would be me," replied the farmer.
I know this is going back to Sept 28 but I just found an example of the type of humor that was in the Red Green Show that originated from Canada. dparker referred to it and Bogstandard was not familiar with the show. Here is a link to one of their skits: Redneck Power Windows. It is not machinist related but could be home engineering
http://www.stupidity.org/video/2370
I, also wish the show was still on the air.
http://www.stupidity.org/video/2370
I, also wish the show was still on the air.
Powder keg
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Oct 10, 2007
- Messages
- 1,091
- Reaction score
- 3
DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of
your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the
room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you had carefully
set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with
the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from
fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh shoot"
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major
refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It
transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you
attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else
is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm
of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES:
Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat
to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on
fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you
want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for
testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the
ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack
handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4:
Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt
holes thereby ending any possible future use.
BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum
sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut
on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to
disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER:
A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver
tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS:
See hacksaw.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as
the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws
into non-removable screws.
PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to
remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of
divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are
trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to
your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl
records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines , refund checks, and
rubber or plastic parts . Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only
while in use.
DOGGONE IT TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "Doggone IT"
at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of
your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the
room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you had carefully
set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with
the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from
fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh shoot"
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major
refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It
transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you
attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else
is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm
of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES:
Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat
to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on
fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you
want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for
testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the
ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack
handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4:
Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt
holes thereby ending any possible future use.
BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum
sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut
on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to
disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER:
A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver
tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS:
See hacksaw.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as
the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws
into non-removable screws.
PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to
remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of
divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are
trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to
your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl
records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines , refund checks, and
rubber or plastic parts . Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only
while in use.
DOGGONE IT TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "Doggone IT"
at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
Tin Falcon
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Jul 9, 2007
- Messages
- 7,207
- Reaction score
- 788
Guys:
A few years ago I saw a movie that had soldiers singing a cadence similar to this. I only remember the first few lines. I have searched the net trying to find the words to no avail. So, ended up writing this for fun. decided to share with the board. If anyone has the source for the Original let me know.
The Colonel built a still
that makes whiskey wine and beer
The US Army Soldier
is one heck of an engineer.
The whiskey it is strong
one shot will make you faint
If you do not want to drink
it is good for stripping paint.
The wine is sweet as honey
its color crimson red.
One glass of this nectar
goes right to your head.
The beer it is golden
your face will shine with glee.
It fills your heart with laughter
as your bladder fills with pee.
The still she is shiny
the pressure it runs low.
Even at full production
the still will never blow.
The colonel built a still
that makes whiskey wine and beer.
The US Army Soldier
is one heck of an engineer.
Disclaimer: This was written by me for fun. It is not intended to promote the consumption of alcoholic beverages. It is not meant to encourage anyone to build such a device. Building such a device could be dangerous and illegal. It is not intended to endorse any branch of the armed forces. Any resemblance to an actual US Army Cadence is coincidental.No Engineers were harmed in the creation of this text .
Tin
A few years ago I saw a movie that had soldiers singing a cadence similar to this. I only remember the first few lines. I have searched the net trying to find the words to no avail. So, ended up writing this for fun. decided to share with the board. If anyone has the source for the Original let me know.
The Colonel built a still
that makes whiskey wine and beer
The US Army Soldier
is one heck of an engineer.
The whiskey it is strong
one shot will make you faint
If you do not want to drink
it is good for stripping paint.
The wine is sweet as honey
its color crimson red.
One glass of this nectar
goes right to your head.
The beer it is golden
your face will shine with glee.
It fills your heart with laughter
as your bladder fills with pee.
The still she is shiny
the pressure it runs low.
Even at full production
the still will never blow.
The colonel built a still
that makes whiskey wine and beer.
The US Army Soldier
is one heck of an engineer.
Disclaimer: This was written by me for fun. It is not intended to promote the consumption of alcoholic beverages. It is not meant to encourage anyone to build such a device. Building such a device could be dangerous and illegal. It is not intended to endorse any branch of the armed forces. Any resemblance to an actual US Army Cadence is coincidental.No Engineers were harmed in the creation of this text .
Tin
ChooChooMike
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Jan 5, 2008
- Messages
- 864
- Reaction score
- 13
\tattoomike68 said:
That's hliarious !! :big: Looks like the Monty Python crew had some influence on those guys !!
B
Bogstandard
Guest
For all those that own early British cars, this might be of help.
http://www3.telus.net/bc_triumph_registry/smoke.htm
I have never seen them for Yank tanks, maybe some American entrepreneur amongst the members can take advantage and sort something out. It should be able to be made for all machinery with electric string and wiggly amps in them.
John
http://www3.telus.net/bc_triumph_registry/smoke.htm
I have never seen them for Yank tanks, maybe some American entrepreneur amongst the members can take advantage and sort something out. It should be able to be made for all machinery with electric string and wiggly amps in them.
John
B
Bogstandard
Guest
Giles,
Of course I have read it all, things like that really need to be understood fully to get the nuance of the article.
But definitely an English thread, if it was American, you would have sayings like 'can you blow it up your ass'. Whereas English decorum keeps it within acceptable boundaries.
A very good post to learn the art of English sarcastic humour.
Gail,
You could never have a more meaningful picture for model engineers.
It makes you wonder why we do it.
John
Of course I have read it all, things like that really need to be understood fully to get the nuance of the article.
But definitely an English thread, if it was American, you would have sayings like 'can you blow it up your ass'. Whereas English decorum keeps it within acceptable boundaries.
A very good post to learn the art of English sarcastic humour.
Gail,
You could never have a more meaningful picture for model engineers.
It makes you wonder why we do it.
John
B
Bogstandard
Guest
For all you whiz kids, try making one of these.
And a bit of advice
Don't fart while wearing a wetsuit
B
Bogstandard
Guest
I noticed this on another website.
It just might be used to pass over your message without being too outspoken.
Here goes:
(_!_) a regular arse
(__!__) a fat arse
(!) a tight arse
(_*_) a sore arse
{_!_} a swishy arse
(_o_) an arse that's been around
(_x_) kiss my arse
(_X_) leave my arse alone
(_zzz_) a tired arse
(_E=mc2_) a smart arse
(_$_) Money coming out of his arse
(_?_) Dumb arse
John
It just might be used to pass over your message without being too outspoken.
Here goes:
(_!_) a regular arse
(__!__) a fat arse
(!) a tight arse
(_*_) a sore arse
{_!_} a swishy arse
(_o_) an arse that's been around
(_x_) kiss my arse
(_X_) leave my arse alone
(_zzz_) a tired arse
(_E=mc2_) a smart arse
(_$_) Money coming out of his arse
(_?_) Dumb arse
John
mklotz
Well-Known Member
"English decorum" my (_""_) [hairy arse]. 
B
Bogstandard
Guest
Very good Marv
Now I know you have a good sense of humour.
Now I know you have a good sense of humour.
mklotz
Well-Known Member
Imagination was given man to compensate for what he is not, and a sense of humor to console him for what he is.
- Francis Bacon
- Francis Bacon
Divided He ad
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Mar 21, 2008
- Messages
- 549
- Reaction score
- 2
:big: :big: :big: :big: That's well proper funny innit eh laa A? A? A? A? A? !!!! :bow: (cause dey talk like dat der don't dey!)
As a man who knows and has met more than his fair share of the scousers out there I can confirm all the above to be true!!... Well ok I know a couple who have had jobs! ;D
Ralph.
As a man who knows and has met more than his fair share of the scousers out there I can confirm all the above to be true!!
... Well ok I know a couple who have had jobs! ;DRalph.
Divided He ad
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Mar 21, 2008
- Messages
- 549
- Reaction score
- 2
Just a little something that made me smile... This is a drawing of a garage door roller, made by an engineer... all he had to do was tell us the make and if it had a thread or rings on the end. But he decided to draw this up! just goes to show old habits die hard!
nice drawing too... so we kept it ;D
Ralph.
nice drawing too... so we kept it ;D
Ralph.
