I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been
known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient
in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I
write award winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread
water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike
trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging
speed, and I can cook 30-minute brownies in 30 minutes. I am an expert in
stucco, a veteran in love and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a
small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of fercious army ants. I play
bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Jays, I am the subject of numerous
documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard.
I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after work, I repair electrical
appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst and a
ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy
evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I recieve fan
mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last
summer I toured New Mexico with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration.
I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international
botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once
read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick and David Copperfield in one day and still had
time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact
location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several
covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep
in a chair. While on vacation in Libya, I successfully negotiated with a group
of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply
to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic and my bills are all paid. On weekends,
to let off steam, I participate in full contact origami. I have made
extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed
prize-winning clams. I have won bull fights in San Juan, cliff diving
competitions in Sri Lanka and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played
Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery and I have spoken with Elvis.
